eldest_of_firms: (Default)
2029-11-10 12:06 pm

Voicemail

This is the Old Firm. Obstacles obliterated, nuisances eradicated, bothersome limbs removed and tutelary dentistry. If you need someone strangled, beheaded, stabbed, shot, eaten, tortured or generally messed up, please leave a message. If not, why the Hell are you calling us? Piss off.

Yeah, scram.
eldest_of_firms: (Black Comic Relief)
2020-07-02 09:15 am
Entry tags:

Boredom

"I spy, with my little eye, something--"

"Blood, Mr. Croup."

"I hadn't even completed my sentence yet!"

"Whole place is covered in blood. It's the only color you could be seeing."

"Yes, I suppose you have got a point there. Time for a new game, do you suppose?"

"We done them all already. Hundred times over."

"We're only played checkers 99 times this month, Mr. Vandemar."

"Checkers board has blood all over it."

"Oh yes, you're right. Never mind, then."
eldest_of_firms: (Default)
2019-11-17 08:43 pm
Entry tags:

Things They've Been Involved In

Canon states that they burned Troy and brought the Black Plague to Flanders. Other possibilities include:

Killing the last mammoth and Neanderthal
Invented assassination
Found Socrates hemlock, 399 BC
Burning the Library at Alexandria, Circa 48 BC
Provided the asp for Cleopatra, 30 BC
Crucifying Jesus (Hinted at in canon), between 26 to 36 AD
Massacre of the Latins, 1182
Aztec sacrifices, Circa AD 1487
Roanake Colony's disappearance, AD 1587
Joined Ottoman revolt in Egypt,  May 1773 AD
The French Revolution, AD 1789–1799
Joined Donner Party, AD 1846–1847
Bored holes in several of the Titanic's lifeboats, April 1912 AD
Fed on corpses at Auchwitz, 1939-1945
Gave Charles Manson a copy of the White Album, November 1968 AD

eldest_of_firms: (Fox And Wolf)
2008-12-18 03:30 pm

Hunting

Two creatures run through the night. One is a fox the size of a wolf, the other a wolf the size of a tiger.

"Can you smell it?"

"Oh, yes."
The fox grins a vulpine grin. "I've missed fresh meat, haven't you?"

"Been too long since we took these shapes."

"Oh, it has indeed. To stay human is so boring."

"There!"

Fox and wolf leap together. The men who are their prey will soon wish for death, and it will be long in coming.


eldest_of_firms: (Omelette)
2008-11-29 03:14 pm

They Don't Like Junk Mail

"You know, you really should've gotten the hint when we bombed the mailing center," sighs Mr. Croup, absently wiping blood from his ax. "But you just had to keep on sending this stuff."

The head of the Direct Marketing Association whimpers. "It's just junk mail, you didn't have to get so upset!"

"We like getting upset. 'S a hobby of ours," explains Mr. Vandemar, helpfully.

The morningstar comes down.